First, if you have not done so already check out my latest novella Bob is in my Head and Wants Me Dead
Sometimes I just am not sure what step I should take when I slide out of bed in the morning. I will check my pulse to make sure I am alive and sip a cup of coffee for longer than the average person should just to buy a little more time before making a decision. But every day starts with that same stagnant feeling. I am sometimes really confident about the direction of my life, but other times just feel like I am no where close to where I should be. Time really does fly by. You don’t realize it until a couple decades pass and you’re still watching cartoons alone in your room on Saturday morning or playing Xbox on Wednesday like how you used to in high school. And every year there is a new IT actor in Hollywood or teen pop star topping the charts who have the influence that you could only dream about and are half a decade younger.
But giving up is out of the question. Nothing makes me hate myself more than quitting. But continuing down a path I chose with a promise of a huge payoff if it works out is too painful to struggle for at times. When you’re staring up at others who took the first two steps with ease and you’re on your knees sliding along a railing because it wasn’t until you reached the top of the first flight that you realized you’re afraid of heights.
Others judge you and try and pull you down just for thinking about escaping the basement. Sometimes I feel like our friends are only there to hold us back. Like they’re Buffalo Bill hovering over the well. I have received more backhanded compliments from friends than enemies. How messed up is that? They aren’t there to help push you up. A friend wants to pull you up. They want to be more successful than you and wish nothing but success to your life as long as they did it first. But if you start taking steps ahead of them they will pull you down.
Friends don’t push. They pull. If they’re successful they pull you up and if they’re losers they pull you down. (I stole this line from a writer who said it was okay if I use it.)
So how are we supposed to wake up in a cannon every morning and shoot towards our target. The blankets are too warm and the covers are too soft. We can look at our computers and television and see exactly where we want to be but here I am writing a blog post about how I have not reached my goal yet and am completely contemplating my place.
We all want to be rock stars. I am a victim of that desire too. But still night in and night out I’m the one buying the ticket to see the fucking show and not the one performing.
Can we choose to be lucky? Talent gets over looked on an hourly basis but luck trumps all else. So is that a skill we can develop? They say real men make their own luck but never wrote a textbook on how. IS it a confidence thing? The lucky ones are called confident, the unlucky ones are cocky.
If life took place in the Xbox we could level up and boost our lucky traits. If it were madden we could shift all our talent to 99.
But after all this struggle and self doubt, I find myself addicted to success. A fraction of a step forward gets me high. I am a success junkie and I am desperately searching for my next hit. But does this not imply that the end never comes and I am insatiable? That a step forward is never enough? Perhaps that’s the problem. People are searching for a vague success of happiness and influence and wanting to change the world or make it a better place, but they don’t have a specific desire. People want to change the world but don’t want to be president (being president is far more likely than an arbitrary set of words that mean as much or little as you interpret them to be). I have respect for the garage band with the goal of playing Warp Tour. More so than the MFA student talking about being famous for fame sake.
I guess that’s the first step. Discovering the exact end game. Find a template and pursue it. We all have heroes to look up to. Maybe we should study them.